Back to square one

I was going perhaps gaga over my nanny, and one day she was gone. Gone like the wind. Everything was back to square one. 

On the morning of her usual planned day off, she looked perturbed. She probably is more comfortable talking to me than to abhishek so she patiently waited for my entry into the baby room. Around 7am when I met her, She immediately told me how she received the unfortunate news of her father's demise around 4am. P.Mon being the considerate person she is, didn't want to wake us up at that time and waited for the morning. But she had to go to her hometown to perform last rites and take care of her mother. I sometimes wonder how hard those 3 hours would have been for her. I feel sad that I didn't wake up sooner that day like I usually do around 5.30am. She could hardly make sense of the moment. I hugged her, gave her my condolences and some advance money and told her to take her time but come back. Ayaan had found so much love in her that I didn't want it to go away. I know I can be a selfish mother.

Anyways, I was again back to doing day and night duties for the baby along with managing my own treatment. I was taking trade offs like avoiding medicines which make me drowsy, leading to a stronger impact of chemo side effects. Abhishek again had work and thought I was managing things. I was on the surface, but deep inside was I? 

I was again getting cranky, I hope more out of lack of sleep than lack of love for Ayaan. I was questioning again the roles and responsibilities of males and females in households. I was again starving for help and care. And it was showing. In my behavior towards Abhishek, in the nights my tears would wet the pillow, in the moments I was questioning even my love for Ayaan and if I was a bad mother. 

P.Mon was being greatly missed, I'm sure by Ayaan but perhaps more by myself.