When you become a memory

The feeling of being forgotten is probably the most hurtful one. Second in line is the feeling of not belonging anymore, followed by the one when you have no idea where you belong anymore. 

What do you do when you face all three of them together? You probably feel purposeless and question your very existence and if you are anyways useful. Well rationally speaking I know you would say, One should think positive, one should not let such feelings sway etc etc. I know that. I know that very well. However, when such feelings come to you, sometimes it is hard not to be conquered by them. 

This is especially true when you see your office folks carrying on with newer responsibilities and newer scores of credit and there's no name for you in their roll call. More often than not it is true when friends don't message you to check in. They have their own fun times. They probably think talking to you is going to be hectic. To them ignorance is better than the awkwardness of what to talk to a cancer patient who is in pain. They continue to have their tea parties and share cake pictures across all mediums but perhaps forget that they missed you. 

Perhaps, humans are like that. And one is always replaceable. 

But is a mother also replaceable by a nanny? I won't blame the baby if the mother doesn't spend time with him. For the baby, the primary caregiver aka the mother in most cases is the person who swaddles him to sleep and wakes him up from bed. It is the person who cleans up the daily poop and feeds him with milk. Being a mother takes effort, something I am not investing, something I can't invest in. 

Sometimes it hurts more than other times when my 3 month old laughs more with his nanny than me. Moreover, when I no longer know how to put him to sleep.

Becoming a memory isn't fun, it's gloomy and depressing but what can one do? Jeena Isi ka naam he (This is what is life).