Looking through the broken window of my heart
Cancer is changing things around, my hair, my right hand, my ability to nourish my baby, my strength to get back to being the workaholic I was. It is changing my life. And I may be depressed.
There's just so much going on. Not just the chemical reaction inside me but also the constant fights in my head. Some of the physical things I've gone through the past few weeks have taken a toll on the radical positivity I've been so boastful about.
Losing strength of your right hand bit by bit, when you are a right handed person who hates being dependent is hard. I've lost a lot of things on the way and always managed to paste the wide smile on my face no matter what! Be it when my hair was cut of, when I stopped going for walks, when my body doesn't feel the same way, when my body doesn't look the same way, and so on. But every time I fell on the way, I got up, brushed myself up, and started running again. Running this race which doesn't seem to end and it's milestones keep changing. Losing this time is just giving me a very very hard time. I feel alone. It's just circumstances (at least I'll like to believe that) that I'm feel like I'm not the first choice. I'm going through this on my own path, it seems like I'm this lonely passenger on the train I've boarded and I don't know how the destination looks like.
I feel like crying, sobbing, snuggle up to someone, I need my hand to work again the same way as it did before. This just doesn't feel good. This is beyond my threshold and I need company.
It's a bad feeling to look through the broken window of my heart and find the road empty behind me.
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