Losing pieces of oneself

As a cancer patient, you go through a lot.. acceptance of how your life will be, energy drains, side effects, missing your favourite meals, inability to cheers with friends on birthdays with a glass of wine, avoiding all those cupcakes, avoiding the parties because oh! the immunity has gone low, being on drips of chemo drugs and then waiting for the energy to come back... and then avoiding much of talking about your woes to your friends and family, because - hey! you definitely want to keep them more sane, for your own sanity 😊

Today, I went through an emotional experience, which I think is worth penning down. 

I got my hair cut from lovely naturally brown silky locks running as long as to my lower back, down to a short pixie cut with bangs - Anna Hathaway style 😉

I've been a long hair person from as long as I can remember. I love(d) my long hair and I think it forms(ed) an important part of my face, my identity. Every time I wash(ed) my hair and leave(left) it open, I look(ed) such an epitome of grace that I feel (felt) it is (was) my best foot forward. 

As the hairdresser was tearing off the long lock with the shrilling razor, I could feel my eyes wet. I guess it was much more emotional an experience than I was expecting, to let go of something so iconic to my identity. The entire cancer thing suddenly seemed too real and too big to mask with my ongoing fake-it-till-you-make-it positive attitude. 

I now realise out of all the things that a cancer patient loses, most painful yet inevitable may be such small unique parts of their identity. It's hard to put that feeling into words really but it hurts.. silently but deeply. 

And yet, just the very next second, you know what happens - we smile, we laugh and we continue our ride on the fake-it-till-you-make-it bus 😅